Usually when we have a conflict we have a choice between the
relationship and the agenda. We must either choose to forego the relationship
to achieve our agenda or we must forego our agenda to preserve the
relationship. Often we choose our agendas at the expense of the relationship. We
also always have the greatest and rudest conflict with those we know well and
are close to
In conflict always start off with the persons qualities that
are good…and then lead into how something they did is not consistent with those
great qualities that you normal see. For example: "One thing I always
appreciate with you is you are a good communicator, you are sensitive to
understand the whole situation before you make a judgment and your insight
always helpful, and so I was a bit concerned when you said what you said and
did what you did because it is so inconsistent with those character qualities
you normally manifest." In taking this approach you are dealing with the
conflict and penetrating it through the place of the person's greatest
strengths not their weaknesses.
An illustration may help: If you take a long toothpick and
poke it into a filled up balloon it will pop because you are poking it in an
area that is already very stretched, thin and weak. However you can take that
same toothpick and poke it into a balloon at the very bottom near the knot and then you can poke it all the way
through the other side at the top where the skin is thicker. The balloon does
not pop because the toothpick is penetrating an area of the balloon where it is
the strongest and thickest.
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